I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Small penises have feelings too.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
