i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize