I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
