mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
