My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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