Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
