I just cut my nipple shaving
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize