Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
