I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
