Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize