I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize