At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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