So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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