My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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