You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
