just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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