I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Randomize
