my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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