so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
3 2 1 whiskey
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
