i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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