what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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