New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
