So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
He uses pillows to masturbate.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
