Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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