I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
People in love make me want to vomit
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize