I hate your face
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Randomize
