There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
