i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
