Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
