Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize