I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
