i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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