hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize