Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
