I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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