You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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