he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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