someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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