Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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