Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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