Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
