It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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