She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Is it penis luge time yet?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
