I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
