Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
