Pants 0. Shit 1.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
