I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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