just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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