I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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