all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
