you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
