im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i dont even know how to be here
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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