the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
