Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
