I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
