I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he shaved USA in his pubs
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
