god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
