Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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