I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
