Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
